SELF-AWARENESS (An Example)

[Caveat: high levels of ego contained herein! That’s actually the point: this is me slaying what’s left of mine.]

Dearest Milena,

This isn’t a Dear John letter; rather, it’s my Susan Collins speech. I’ve already made a decision; I just desperately want you to understand why.

This feels right.

Posting this isn’t so much a public declaration of love (as was my last post to my brother John) as it is me accelerating on the way down – kamikaze-style – while grinning!

I’m coming in for a [crash] landing.

Patanjali taught me not to give up. I haven’t abandoned my dream of changing the way the world experiences life – but I do need to accept the reality that I can’t count on my teaching skills to pay our bills.

I tried. For 2.5 years. After spending every hour and over $40,000 I have no students. [Die ego!]

In practical, business and tax terms, The Marblehead School of Raja Yoga hasn’t been a success – yet. [Still here!]

It’s not the material. It’s 100% me. I know that.

I’ve been given a gift that’s literally priceless. It’s not mine. I also know that. I can’t tell you how I relate to the joke about the guy with pockets full of $100 bills in a brothel who can’t ‘get a date’!

What happened?

The risk/reward ratio of teaching yoga (love & self-awareness) is HUGE. Given my relatively low risk tolerance (cluck, cluck) and practical situation, it’s not sustainable. I ‘touched’ half a dozen people – raised their personal level of self-awareness – and in the process discovered that I can’t do or say anything to help someone else to see through my eyes.

It doesn’t work that way.

It breaks my heart. SO many people I would gift this paradigm to! I feel as dumb and useless as Chicken Little.

But with the same sense of relief (yes) that I experienced when I finally let go of ever riding a motorcycle again, I literally and figuratively breathed a sigh of relief a few minutes ago when I realized that I can’t support us acting like Don Quixote or Friar Tuck, desperately trying to be something I’m not (talk about not being grounded….).

Like the freedom of riding a motorcycle, selfishly devoting myself to yoga (and turning my family’s lives upside down in the process – again) has been another protracted, life-altering, mid/now-late-life crisis – another in a series of adult-sized Steve Urkel moments – though this one truly has limitless potential to radically change life as we know it. This one has been an honor to play out.

Unlike the bike accidents that broke bones and machines, my teaching ‘accidents’ didn’t physically harm anyone (Patanjali’s rule #1: A-himsa = the absence of violence = love). I figured it would be a fun, helpful and productive way to spend the rest of my days. [I hear my grandfather screaming in my ear old-school style, “What kind of idiot can’t support himself who holds the secret to life?” Uhm. Hi Pops. Killing off the last bits of my ego here.]

What/who am I?

 I grew up trapped in a mental purgatory. My ‘out’ was my imagination – but beyond that, I knew I was “special” [not just short-bus special]. I can’t explain it but I’ve always known it. I’ve always felt as if I had some sort of invisible support. Shit has happened to me for which there’s no explanation other than miraculous compassionate intervention.

Clearly, from the outside it looks like I’ve lived a charmed life – because I HAVE – which just further fueled my ego.

That self-consciousness was fostered by the people who raised me (whom I love and adore, but whose job it was to find fault in others). My grandfather stopped caring much after his son (my uncle) died when I was 4. Somehow during the short time I knew Ted, I picked up some of his charismatic, rebellious energy – who got it from his father, who got it from his.

Transparency or TMI?

I’ve always been a loner. Again, nature or nurture, it doesn’t matter.

 My favorite book growing up was “Jonathan Livingston Seagull”; it’s about a small chicken-like bird who spent his life trying to fly like a killer hawk. That damned seagull was as stubborn and clever as any Irishman I’ve ever met.

As a kid, I SO wanted to be a cowboy, Batman, Rifle Man, Zorro, Green Hornet, David Carradine – a lone “can-do-everything-myself” fearless hero, fighting off the bad guys and saving the damsel in distress.

The craziest part is that I still play “dress up” (minus the kids chaps & holsters and very lethal-looking toy weaponry) to play different roles: whether it’s in faux leather motorcycle gear, or yoga pants – channeling my inner Carradine. 😉

I SO wanted a mean-ass tattoo of a heart with a dragon wrapped around it [I would have settled for Carradine’s dual forearm dragon and tiger]: something that screamed “Lady Killer” or “Lone Wolf” [when in reality, I’m a chicken with a big mouth!] It wasn’t so much fear of needles; rather, imagining my mother’s emotional breakdown (which she’d weaponized) that scared me out of it.

I’ve always been obsessive. Always all-in. No moderation. I gave any/everything I ever did 110%. Everything. Good and bad. Pop’s mantra was “Be the best at whatever you do, and you’ll succeed.” I’ve lived it.

But I know I’m a much better student, employee, client (read: more YIN) – than I will ever be a teacher, boss, or therapist (read: YANG). [Die ego! Bang!]

One of my earliest adult obsessions was S&M. I was single and lived just outside NYC in the 70’s – whatever. I know which side of that game I was better at. It’s why I stopped taking karate lessons after two years: I’m not a fighter. [Bang!]

Traditional Chinese Medicine’s astrological rooster evidence supporting all this notwithstanding, I’ve always known it deep down.

A fuckin’ rooster. No wonder I “crow” a lot! I’m also crazy loyal and dependable. Who else would go to work at the crack of dawn everyday of their life? [thankfully, the donut guys!]

I was meant to spend 2016-2018 crowing about consciousness. I don’t know why and probably never will. I put my Truth out there. All-in. No regrets. No surrender.

Oh yeah. I also have a seemingly natural aversion to all-things mean and stupid. Of course there are gray areas, and Lord knows I’ve done plenty of mean stupid things over 60 years, but as a rooster I’m generally more bark than bite.

What’s a rooster to do next?

I HAVE to have some sort of outlet to express my inborn voice: my creative, curious, and clever parts. While I’ve been completely focused on sharing what I know about Patanjali’s path to enlightenment – I got no traction. [Bang! Right-between-the-eyes. Dead. Sidebar: “Told you I’m not worthy!!”]

Apparently, spiritual self-awareness isn’t something people are naturally interested in. There’s an irony! If only…… This is what’s left of the Garden of Eden folks.

So I find myself feeling like I’m at the point in “A Knight’s Tale” where Ledger’s team meets their rooster: their Chaucer; their Patanjali: the naked poet who saves them in the end. God, I love that movie. [Can’t get much more naked than I’m being here.]

How should I pay our bills? Faith alone isn’t a recognized currency; otherwise, I’d still be a 1%er – and most of the people I know who are, wouldn’t be. At some point the irony actually becomes perverse.

Roosters make good architects apparently – but while that sounds fun (and I wanted to be one as a kid), I have relatively immediate financial concerns.

In addition to taking responsibility for family, I’ve always looked out for underdogs at work – employees who didn’t have the same recognition and clout within an organization. I usually managed to piss off the people I worked for. Go figure.

Several years ago, my boss bought himself a new airplane with the first of many proceeds checks I handed him. When I suggested giving the staff a mid-year token “we-sold-a-company” bonus, he looked at me like I had a tree growing out of my neck and said, “It’s not December!” It just fostered my Robin Hood complex.

I’m artistic/creative – our kids got that from me [Damned ego!]: their whole outside-the-box, over-the-top creativity – even though they’re adopted! Crazy how powerful certain types of energy are – and that we’re not naturally aware of it!

I’m honest, hardworking, and loyal to a fault. I’d make (made?) a good dog – a yappy one!

We all need to feel as though we have purpose – THAT frankly, may be Patanjali’s deepest insight. And I haven’t felt “productive” in too long.

I don’t know what the universe has in store for my swansong (I still like the dandelion analogy – it SO fits), but I recently did an accounting project for a friend of Sarah’s – and it woke up an underutilized part of me: something about the way I’m wired – something inborn 😉 – loves precision and numeric challenges.

Frankly, that’s the only thing I did differently than anyone else who’s ever interpreted Patanjali’s outline: I looked at it mathematically.

 

Accountants make good yogis – perhaps the best – but yogis don’t do what they do for money. I’ve always said yoga should be an experience like going to church: free to all; hopefully, supported by a few for the benefit of many – unfortunately, I still have bills to pay – and Sue’s had enough stress for awhile – so I need to exercise another inborn talent for awhile – at least until we pull up stakes. Like everything, living in paradise has a price.

Thank you

Thank you for all the energy, love, support and encouragement you’ve shown while I followed my heart – the entire time, scared to death – equal parts desperately wanting to be heard and acknowledged (loved) for being truly unique and worthy – all the while not wanting to call further attention to myself!

Just like riding a Harley: equal parts terrifying and exhilarating.

For the people I touched (or more accurately, who allowed me in) – thank you. It’s been more rewarding than anything else I’ve done – perhaps ever. It’s certainly been better than anything I could have imagined (and I’ve been cultivating and fertilizing an active imagination for 60+ years!)

I have an interview tomorrow for a part-time accounting job to keep the lights on here a little longer.

NEVER give up. ALWAYS let go.

 

God bless you Milena. You are indeed a guru. See you Monday!

Hugs, Skip

What we’re seeking remains elusive…

It’s one of those things that once we see it, we can’t un-see it, but after a while the realization fades from our mind’s eye, to be recalled either when something triggers it, or willfully.

It’s counter-intuitive to look inside ourselves to find what’s “missing” from our lives. Rather, it’s natural to search elsewhere for love, satisfaction, affirmation; to calm one’s fears and abate one’s desires; to ease stress, anxiety; to find purpose and fulfillment.

According to ancient Hindu legend, the gods agreed to hide the secret to everlasting peace (i.e., the realization of one’s own divine essence) from mankind because we were abusing it. After some debate, the gods agreed not to hide it deep in the earth, or in the deepest ocean, or on top of the tallest mountain – but rather within our own being, knowing that would be the last place we’d look for it.

…and demands dogged pursuit.

Realizing the immutable, eternal nature of our own consciousness is only half the battle. Once discovered, it’s a matter of keeping it in mind, that we don’t lose sight of it and slip back into our historical, natural patterns of perception and behavior, as beautifully described in this excerpt from “The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying,” by Sogyal Rinpoche:

“In the Sufi Master Rumi’s “Table Talk,” there is this fierce and pointed passage:

The master said there is one thing in this world which must never be forgotten. If you were to forget everything else, but were not to forget this, there would be no cause to worry, while if you remembered, performed and attended to everything else, but forgot that one thing, you would in fact have done nothing whatsoever.

It is as if a king had sent you to a country to carry out one special, specific task. You go to the country and you perform a hundred other tasks, but if you have not performed the task you were sent for, it is as if you have performed nothing at all. So man has come into the world for a particular task, and that is his purpose. If he doesn’t perform it, he will have done nothing.

 

All the spiritual teachers of humanity have told us the same thing, that the purpose of life on earth is to achieve union with our fundamental, enlightened nature. The “task” for which the “king” has sent us into this strange, dark country is to realize and embody our true being. There is only one way to do this, and that is to undertake the spiritual journey, with all the ardor and intelligence, courage and resolve for transformation that we can muster.”

An illustrative tale

Click on the link below to hear Danny Kaye tell “The Tale of the Name of the Tree.” As only he could, Kaye shares a childhood story, the moral of which is that unrelenting determination doesn’t just lead to success, it can literally unlock the key to life.

Danny Kaye – “The Tale of the Name of the Tree”

God bless, Allan

“Enlightenment” is akin to being “born again”: finding an unshakeable belief in the existence of a Higher Power.

There’s a reason “Faith” comes first in “1 Corinthians 13:13”: unwavering faith in the existence of God gives rise to boundless hope and love.

Are you suffering? Do you want to find lasting relief? You have within you the ability and power to change your life.

In the Fall of 2015, I found faith and spent the next three years trying to awaken it in others; specifically, people whom I could empathize with: those tormented by anxiety, depression and addiction.

In the Fall of 2018 a master teacher explained that what I’d been trying to do wasn’t possible: that trying to awaken faith in others was like literally trying to get others to see through my eyes.

Unfortunately, faith can’t be taught or transferred; it must be individually discovered.

Faith gives rise to serenity, courage and wisdom. Patanjali outlines a path to find faith in The Yoga Sutras, but here’s the key: contemplate (until it ‘clicks’) upon the distinction between your fickle, ever-changing thoughts (evidence of your very tangible/human mind), and your immutable, never-changing awareness OF your thoughts (evidence of your completely intangible/essentially-divine consciousness).

Consciousness is the only “thing” known to man that’s not subject to the vagaries of time and space: it’s essentially eternal – and it’s inside you.

Wishing you faith, that you may know serenity, courage and wisdom.

God bless.

Last night a panel of recovering-addicts-turned-caregivers, and parents of children in recovery was asked, “What can we do to prevent addiction?”

It’s likely that a combination of things that prompt recovery may also be used to prevent addiction in the first place – but it’s unlikely that any one of these separately is sufficient to curb addition. Whatever the solution, it will likely have to include changes at a social level to address stigma and provide resources to facilitate changes in individual behavior.

The “antidote” themes raised by the panel included:

• Spirituality
• Self-confidence
• Community
• Education

Spirituality

This may be the most difficult since it’s the least tangible, but it has been critical to my own sustained recovery. Unfortunately, while faith can be demonstrated and discussed, it can’t be taught or otherwise transferred from one of us to another; it has to come from within.

There was discussion about the role that local religious leaders play in the addressing the growing epidemic, but speaking from experience, being asked to subscribe to a belief for which there’s no tangible, scientific explanation doesn’t always work.

As a yogi I suggest that each of us learn to discern between our ever-changing thoughts, and our never-changing awareness of them. The latter is evidence of our immutable consciousness. When it ‘clicks’ that an aspect of ourselves NEVER changes, and isn’t affected by fear or desire, the realization gives rise to faith in the source of consciousness – and we begin to see and live our lives from a spiritually appreciative perspective.

Self-confidence

Faith gives rise to a sense of purpose, confidence, and appreciation. We come to love and respect our neighbors and ourselves; specifically, we take better care of our own temporal body and mind (fostering health, strength and determination) in part to better serve others.

Community

Almost without exception, and certainly in my case, addicts are masking a deep sense of emptiness, loneliness, and/or worthlessness for which there may be no readily apparent explanation. Without exception, each of last night’s recovering panelists spoke of coming from loving homes. Addiction is a disease which some are biologically more susceptible to than others. We all need to feel appreciated, accepted and valued, and a sense of inclusion, belonging and love; these emotions foster serenity and courage.

Education

It’s critical that we all understand the nature, pitfalls (denial), dangers and consequences of addiction, though rather than traditional PSA-type educational programs, last night’s panelists unanimously agreed that the source and voice of the message makes all the difference; kids are more likely to be receptive and to heed the warnings of peers whom they can relate to, rather than school authorities.

Habits (good and bad) occur at the intersection of desire, availability and knowledge. Communally, we need to provide a safe space where those in distress or at risk feel welcome, that facilitates their emotional, mental and physical development, in a manner they want to participate in.

No one proposed specific solutions last night to what’s obviously a HUGE cultural problem [Salem Hospital sees 2-3 overdoses a night, of which 1-2 patients die each week], but we left somewhat more hopeful knowing there are heroes among us, people who devote themselves to fighting this scourge and relieving the suffering of others.

Last night’s panel was moderated by Michelle Simons of Prevention Werks: https://preventionwerks.com/

Prevention Werks is a resource for prevention, addiction and recovery that was created from the awarding of a grant to the City of Lynn, which provides presentations and set up resource tables at events in the community to educate the public about substance use.

The program, sponsored by 3Voices.org, was recorded by MHTV.

I found faith and purpose in Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras:

Faith in the existence of something much greater than myself, something otherworldly, something divine: the unknowable source of our intangible, immutable consciousness.

Purpose in a sense of responsibility to help others who are suffering find it too, because faith is the most powerful healing and motivating force there is.

Patanjali tells us this about the source of our own consciousness:

• It’s unaffected by emotion, thought, action, and the consequences thereof;
• It’s the source of all knowledge;
• It’s unaffected by time and space.

My philosophy teacher takes the point of view that the source of consciousness isn’t so much something external to ourselves, as it is an archetype of humanity to aspire to emulating; holding that the actual discipline of Patanjali’s Raja Yoga (Kryia and Ashtanga practices) guides us to “relate to the world in an ethical manner”: to take responsibility for our behavior in the tangible world we currently exist in.

Symantics? Perhaps, but the bottom line is that within each of us is something immutable, something unaffected by fear, desire, or physical distress: our awareness OF those things.

Learn to distinguish between your ever-changing thoughts and body, and your never-changing awareness of them, and contemplate the difference. May doing so give rise in you to faith in the source of your own intangible consciousness, and may doing so lead you to live a happier, healthier, more faithful and purposeful life.

God bless, Allan 🙏❤️🕉

She asked, “How much does it cost? $20?” – after I explained that I teach the ‘other’ type of yoga: how our minds work. I didn’t answer.

I used to tell my teacher that yoga lessons should be free, like going to church or school. Yes, we all have bills to pay, but as my QiGong teacher reminded me yesterday, sometimes our purpose and the way we provide for ourselves are different.

One evening in the Fall of 2015, my life changed. I was blessed with insights into Patanjali’s science of human nature, relieving suffering, and finding faith that I remain convinced were not meant for me alone, yet teaching or sharing it is not a viable way to make a living – at least it hasn’t been for me.

So I write these posts and maintain a blog to share versions of the realization I was blessed with in hopes it may help someone else suffering from the degree of mental anguish I lived with for 58 years. Unfortunately, it’s only in the throes of despair that we are open to faith: absolute trust in something that science can’t explain.

There’s literally nothing in this world or the next that I’d rather do than share Patanjali’s paradigm with you – in hopes of relieving yours or someone else’s suffering – unfortunately, we each have to put in the effort to get there, to see life for what it is. All I can do is offer guidance.

Read these posts but more importantly, practice between your own ears discerning between your functioning mind (evidenced by your thoughts) and your unalterable consciousness (evidenced by the awareness OF your thoughts).

As I shared with someone yesterday, worry and anxiety (desires and fears) are very much part of our human condition.

I’ve suffered from both my entire life – and still do though to a much lesser extent.

What helped me tremendously was finally realizing something Patanjali said. It’s so simple yet profoundly impactful; it’s the science behind mind control or meditation: that there’s literally a world of difference between our thoughts, and our awareness OF them.

Our consciousness, the awareness OF our thoughts, is immutable. While our thoughts change constantly, our awareness of them never does; nothing affects it. It’s the only thing we can readily verify the existence of (without awareness we wouldn’t even realize we’re alive!) but which science can’t explain.

When it ‘clicks’ that the most miraculous aspect of yourself is eternal – that it isn’t born and doesn’t age, function or die in a tangible sense the way your body/mind does – it will change your perspective of life completely. You’ll see life from the inside out – upside down. The worldly things that might have otherwise consumed you (e.g., everything: money, health, relationships, desires and fears) – your energetic attachment to them will begin to fade away and all of life will become more precious.

My advice: contemplate, concentrate and meditate on the distinction between your thoughts and your awareness of them until the distinction ‘clicks’.

Once it does, forever afterwards you’ll feel freer and lighter. I wish this for everyone.

God bless, Skip 🙏❤️🕉